A few months ago an 82 year old man in Oregon made national news for wearing a sign around his neck stating that he was looking for a wife. He even wrote a short description and a clarification that this was not a joke. In some ways wouldn't it be refreshing if people were more like this man being honest and open about what they were looking for when dating? Instead we all seem to play this game of trying to attract others and be attractive in ways that seem to be contrary to what we wish to find. How often do women lament that men are only interested in one thing? Men also complain that so many women are just seeking a guy with a lot of money and success. Yet ironically, women go out of their way to be physically attractive and often sexual when hoping to be noticed by a guy. Men as well will be concerned about things that make them look successful when pursuing a woman. We seem to play this game and resent the situation at the same time. We would much rather prefer that relationships were based on much more profound elements of attraction and not on less meaningful desires and needs.
The truth is that neither is correct. Both elements are absolutely necessary. The reason that we are uncomfortable with the game is because it is misunderstood and often left to be viewed as the sole attraction. However without them the human element of desire and attraction are missing in relationships. This idea of attraction was present at the very beginning of relationships. The Talmud states that God made Eve beautiful by "braiding" her hair when she was created and then brought her to Adam. The Torah is telling us that the very initial spark of male-female relationships needs to begin with an element of physical attraction. However the relationship is not meant to end there but rather build through much more profound and substantive factors. Therefore the Torah informs us that they were to share common goals and values. It is this healthy balance of both physical attraction combined with positive character that makes for successful attraction in a relationship. This is why according to Judaism a woman is supposed to make herself attractive for her husband.
The same is true in the reverse. The assumption on men's part that a women is merely looking for a man with money is based on a similar misunderstanding of attraction. According to Jewish law a man is obligated to provide financially for his wife. A man is required to be a responsible individual. Success is sometimes a mistaken indicator of that ability.
These elements of attraction are problematic when they become the sole basis of a relationship. If a man is merely attracted to a woman because of her appearance or a woman to a man because of his ability to allow her to indulge herself with gifts then there is nowhere for that relationship to grow. And even though he might be able to maintain his ability to provide it is certain that her looks will change. What happens then? If the relationship is built on shared goals and values and complimented by the game of attraction then it can flourish.
This game when understood properly is what helps keep a relationship alive and fresh. A theme that is extremely common in love stories is all about the conquest, the challenge. The story of one person, usually the man, getting the other to say yes. One of the reasons these stories are so appealing is because this is a reality. The tragedy is that the message taken from is that there is merely one conquest and then the challenge is done. The truth is that process must continue. There needs to be this continuous effort on both to win the others love. With each victory the relationship gets stronger and stronger. In order to achieve this the game of attraction must continue to be played. On the man's side gestures and overtures of love and desire must be displayed on a continuous basis to let her know that he is still desirous of her and loves her. And the woman needs to make a continued effort to make herself attractive to her husband if nothing more than to keep his eyes on her.
So realize as you dress yourselves up and enter into this game, as long as we are playing for the right victory there is no need to hate the players nor the rules. On the contrary the rules are there precisely because of how sweet the end game can be.
The truth is that neither is correct. Both elements are absolutely necessary. The reason that we are uncomfortable with the game is because it is misunderstood and often left to be viewed as the sole attraction. However without them the human element of desire and attraction are missing in relationships. This idea of attraction was present at the very beginning of relationships. The Talmud states that God made Eve beautiful by "braiding" her hair when she was created and then brought her to Adam. The Torah is telling us that the very initial spark of male-female relationships needs to begin with an element of physical attraction. However the relationship is not meant to end there but rather build through much more profound and substantive factors. Therefore the Torah informs us that they were to share common goals and values. It is this healthy balance of both physical attraction combined with positive character that makes for successful attraction in a relationship. This is why according to Judaism a woman is supposed to make herself attractive for her husband.
The same is true in the reverse. The assumption on men's part that a women is merely looking for a man with money is based on a similar misunderstanding of attraction. According to Jewish law a man is obligated to provide financially for his wife. A man is required to be a responsible individual. Success is sometimes a mistaken indicator of that ability.
These elements of attraction are problematic when they become the sole basis of a relationship. If a man is merely attracted to a woman because of her appearance or a woman to a man because of his ability to allow her to indulge herself with gifts then there is nowhere for that relationship to grow. And even though he might be able to maintain his ability to provide it is certain that her looks will change. What happens then? If the relationship is built on shared goals and values and complimented by the game of attraction then it can flourish.
This game when understood properly is what helps keep a relationship alive and fresh. A theme that is extremely common in love stories is all about the conquest, the challenge. The story of one person, usually the man, getting the other to say yes. One of the reasons these stories are so appealing is because this is a reality. The tragedy is that the message taken from is that there is merely one conquest and then the challenge is done. The truth is that process must continue. There needs to be this continuous effort on both to win the others love. With each victory the relationship gets stronger and stronger. In order to achieve this the game of attraction must continue to be played. On the man's side gestures and overtures of love and desire must be displayed on a continuous basis to let her know that he is still desirous of her and loves her. And the woman needs to make a continued effort to make herself attractive to her husband if nothing more than to keep his eyes on her.
So realize as you dress yourselves up and enter into this game, as long as we are playing for the right victory there is no need to hate the players nor the rules. On the contrary the rules are there precisely because of how sweet the end game can be.
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